


Things unsaid

by MsAstronaut



Category: New Mutants (Comics), X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: F/F, Feelings, Illyana's POV, Light Angst, Missing Scene, Post New Mutants 36, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:01:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28720947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsAstronaut/pseuds/MsAstronaut
Summary: After Illyana's encounter with the Beyonder and the battle with the demon, Illyana processes her feelings.Missing scene post New Mutants 36 (The Beyonder transferred Illyana's powers to Kitty and Illyana took them back to save her best friend)
Relationships: Kitty Pryde & Illyana Rasputin, Kitty Pryde/Illyana Rasputin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	Things unsaid

They didn’t talk about it.

They probably should, Illyana knew. If not about what happened to them specifically, then about the general situation.

Meeting the Beyonder was… a lot of things. Terrifying, devastating, exhilarating. 

Meeting someone so powerful - much, much more powerful that she’d ever be, even in Limbo - and knowing you can do nothing to stop them was terrifying. Perhaps if Magik was one out for power, it would’ve hurt her ego. Instead, it hurt her already-fragile sense of safety. 

His power was beyond what she could even begin to comprehend. And yet he seemed honest (though very misguided) in his goal to make Earth a better place.

Foul thoughts still lingered in her mind after he showed her his vision. For someone who claimed to be a savior, he didn’t take the moral repercussions of brainwashing someone into consideration. Because she lied when she told them he hadn’t played with her mind. Perhaps after Belasco, she ought to be better at recognizing that - but then again, the victims of brainwashing rarely know they’ve been brainwashed. Only after the fog falls, does the picture become clearer.

Maybe it was better left to the big leagues. The FF, the Avengers, the X-men… but Kitty was an X-man too, wasn’t she?

Perhaps it was selfish, perhaps it was wrong, but Illyana didn’t want her best friend to face him again. They were the same age - it was unfair, in her opinion, to burden the phasing mutant with such a title.

The weight of the Soulsword was negligible to the user - if one didn’t take the weight on the bearer’s shoulder under consideration. 

She wanted to ask Kitty about it. Did she too, struggle underneath it? Did the tainted parts of Illyana that transitioned over to her gnaw at her heart as they did at Illyana? Did she hate the Beyonder for passing her the title of the guardian? Did she blame Illyana for not resisting him? 

The young sorceress hoped the answer was no. But she did not ask.

  
  
  


They didn’t talk about it that night. And probably won’t the next night, either.

They probably should.

But Illyana was afraid. Afraid of her best friend hurting like that again. Afraiding of Kitty blaming her, or hating her. Afraid of Kitty realizing she  _ should  _ blame her. Afraid of losing her Soulsword. Afraid of having to wield it - along with the darkness in her soul - her whole life.

Afraid of the possibility of having such a choice again. Afraid of choosing wrong next time.

(She was  _ terrified _ )

But when she felt the matress underneath her shift, a new weight added to her bed, the last fear disappeared.

Illyana wasn’t sure of many things in her life. But she was sure that in every timeline, every reality and every dimension, she would’ve made the same choice.

The weight of the Soulsword was negligible to the user. Bullshit.

Illyana made a vow to herself that night: (no words were spoken, but the conviction behind her thoughts would’ve startled any telepath, she was sure) as long as she was alive, Illyana won’t ever make her bear her burden again.

Kitty has done enough for her already. She accepted her when others wouldn’t. Was her friend when others looked at her with fear. Even thinking about wanting her to bear the sword and everything along with it would be selfish and make her a terrible friend.

_ I could lay the world at her feet and it wouldn't begin to repay her. _

But it was never about the world. It was about Illyana’s soul. Kitty knew the darkness it held, and yet she still accepted her, still loved her. And she didn’t want the world - or anything, really - in return. The most Illyana could do was keep her soul to herself.

  
  


They didn’t talk about it.

Feeling the warmth of the body next to her, Illyana thought that talking about it would give her - them - answers that their hearts desperately craved. But she wasn’t ready, and if Kitty’s silence was anything to go by, she wasn’t either.

Did Kitty know that she was the only one she would’ve made that decision for? The only person, for whom she’d give up a perfect reality (a perfect lie). The only person for whom she’d take her rotten powers back.

It was her scream, the sight of her bruised body held by the demon that broke Illyana out of her daze. Because in a perfect world - in the world the Beyonder claimed to want - the best person (her favorite person in the whole world) she knew wouldn’t suffer like that.

The belief her roommate seemed to have in her to save the day - to save  _ her  _ \- was far greater than Illyana’s. Far greater than she deserved. And yet it was given so freely that it made her heart sing.

They were best friends.

But Illyana couldn’t help but wonder if there was something more (did Kitty wonder that too?). They shared secrets, spent evenings in each other’s presence. Illyana knew Kitty's thoughts better than she knew her own. The term ‘best friends’ seemed too small after today. Dani was her friend too - but when she asked herself whether she would’ve done the same for her, Illyana found herself ashamed of her inability to answer.

One of the X-men (Rachel?) said that they were soulmates. Kitty felt her anguish when they were in Asgard, and heard the SOS signal that Illyana didn’t even know she was emitting. Soulmates. Like Dani and Rahne. Just like Dani and Rahne, but entirely different, at the same time. Was that why the Soulsword transferred to her?

Did Kitty hear her heart hammering in her chest when Illyana brought her close to her, after the battle? (Hoping she was okay,  _ begging  _ her to be okay) Did she feel the trembling of her hands, desperate to feel the steady pulse on her wrist? Did she hear the relief in her voice when she answered - as if she had a breath of air after drowning for what seemed like eternity?

Did Kitty see the fear in Illyana’s eyes, immediately overshadowed by relief? 

(Because Kitty could blame her, she could hate her and it would break her heart into a million pieces but it was  _ okay  _ because Kitty was safe and she was fine and she was  _ alive _ )

Illyana knew it was more, between them. Maybe it always has been. Maybe tonight only brought previously unexplored feelings to the forefront of her mind. It terrified her. It terrified her, it excited her, it made her feel on top of the world and made her want Limbo to swallow her whole.

(Feeling the body next to hers shift, she wondered: Did Kitty have similar thoughts? Maybe they really should talk about it.)

  
  


They didn’t talk about it.

But as she felt a hand slip around her waist and bring her close, Illyana decided that it would be ok. It would be ok if they don’t, it would be ok if they do.

They would be ok, because no matter what, they had each other.


End file.
